For Gerald

So this is for you Gerald. I am again struck how the quiet sweet interactions between men are never reported. The times when 2 men can look at each other and shake hands, or hug and recognize they like each other. I have been thinking a lot lately about men and the reasons for violence and anger especially among Black, Asian, and Latino communities. There are lots of theories that I have from racism, capitalism and a few other ism's but the effect I see is that men are on guard to challenge, hurt fight each other. I am no exception, I am a trained martial artist have degrees, practice with a variety of weapons and try to scan people as I walk down the street ( as a caveat I don't think I am the baddest mutha out there, I just hope my skills can get me out of a situatuaion so I can run away :-)).

What has been an interesting phenomenon lately is that I am trying a more open approach. I think of my martial art training side as a switch and that I can turn on at the slightest touch. This gives me the room to take a few chances, to look at men that I see on the street with a more openess, and let me tell you that has been the sweetest thing. When I get to talk to some youth that are trying to be hard and they respond and you can tell there is some hunger for connection. To the old man that I get into a brief discussion with the funniest moment and I can respect him as an elder. To seeing you Gerald on the Bart train looking at you for a second, turning away and then saying "who is this man?" Let me take another look and the joy of recogntion.
All this because I have done enough talking, sharing with other men and letting myself feel. It is possible and I so want it for my people, my men to have.

More to come....

Getting Back into it

So I will start of noticing that consistency is a definite issue for me. I want to write more but I am having a hard time.

First I have to apologize to Apple as I used to say that they were a elitist, white, computer company. My thought was they use form to excuse exorbitant pricing on their computer equipment. I still think that is true but the iPod is a great product. I had a Creative Zen Micro (I broke the screen) and then bought the 30 gig video Ipod and have loved it ever since. I use it every where, and the ability to carry my complete music collection around is wonderful.

That being said I am studying for my CCNA which for the geek illiterate is Cisco Certified Network Analyst. It is the entry level certification for Cisco Professionals and there is a lot to remember. I am trying to figure out how to study for the test so I put classical music on my iPod and study in a cafe. Then I wonder why classical music and why does it help me study. I think it is because I am not really attached it to it. It is pleasant but not visceral (though there are some pieces that get to me). Right now I am listening to Aesop Rock and it is powerful and visceral (and quite smart).

More to come....

Starting in the new year

It is 2006 and I am reinvesting in my writing. I am looking at the things that stop me from writing and deciding to stop them. Writing is a craft that I want to develop and hone. I want to be a wordsmith and ultimately this blog is for me and not for you the potential reader. So in being true to myself.....

I am back from Jamaica and am still in a fog, I am not even sure I can describe the joy and hurt and mixed feelings from being in a country that so shaped my early years. It has been only the last couple of years by being in the Bay area that I have come to love my difference (well at least not hide it so much). In Boston I was considered weird, the level of xenophobia in that part of the world was daunting and I know that because of that immigrants tend to stick together. So here I am claiming my Jamaican, Indian/Black heritage. I remmeber in a previous post I had said that I decide to stay in this country and work for the changes that I would like to happen. I see know that that is more true now than ever. I want to show that this country is great and as a sign of its greatness can stand up and be accountable. Accountable for all the things it has done wrong and the things it does right. So that is my challenge to myself, to love you USA. Define myself as a patriot and say we Americans will be a responsible force in the world, will be held accountable for the injustices we created and to be more collaborative with the rest of the world.


So I dont know what to think as I read the last paragraph LOL I am not sure if I even believe it myself. I do know this though I get to figure this out. The particular revelation that keeps showing up in front of me is to trust my mind. To know that I might make mistakes. Recently there we had a party and a bunch of people came over including 3 lesbians. In the politically correct area such as the Bay I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, of upsetting them and my woman by making some joke that was sexist or saying the word bitch, or something. I realized later that it was my fear that was setting me up to feel resentful so I would potentially say something hurtful. The odd thing is that I know already know one of the women pretty well and really dig her. She is comfortable in her skin and seems to be not afraid or resentful of men. So when 3 lesbians showed up in my house I was a little wary of myself. The ironic thing was after talking wih one woman for about 1/2 an hour I started to to relax and be myself more. There was another young man there and he was being himself and it lightened the mood and we were laughing and having a good time soon enough. The moral of the story is two fold, youth, and young people are not hurt around wanting to connect with people, and it is all about the realtionships. If I knew George Bush personally I bet I could be an influence to get him away from some of his policies that are hurting this country.

More to come

Jamaica part 2

The love affair with Jamaica is over for me. Now the love can start. In the last week I have seen 2 brothers here struggle with there relationships as men and in a way I was really honored that they could fight in front of me. It was safe for them to show me there struggles and I could see the love that they had for each other and it was painful for both of them. For me it was when we were children and I would watch them fight. I had to laugh and feel great tenderness for all of us, as we are all grown men with wives, and they each have young ‘pickne’.

It seems to me that I have reinserted myself a little into Jamaican life. I can look at the good and bad and view things without the rosecolored glasses that has clouded my view of this country. I can move from behind the desperation and longing that is my experience as an immigrant to the United States. Possibilities of business and home ownership in this country are starting to appear. I will never regain what I lost but I can catch up, sync with this world and relax it seems.

In Jamaica - Part 1

So here I am in Jamaica. I am at my fathers house with my US wife and meeting and getting to know my brother and sister and stepmother. So I have to say there is so much tied up in being in Jamaica. Trying to reconnect with this island and remembering the loss of moving to another country (especially the US) has put me in a fugue. It is an intensely disorienting experience as I struggle with thoughts and feelings but yet am watching American movies on cable.

So to start off the woman that my father married seems a wonderful woman and has been very gracious. I totally enjoy getting to know my 2nd youngest sister and my young brother, they seem really well adjusted kids and have bright futures. I look at them and grieve, I grieve for the ways that my biological sister and I lost the sense of belonging and rightness that these young people seem to have. I wonder if I am projecting my hurts but then I realize that I get to figure this out with other people, not with them and just get to love them.

In Jamaica I see where I am afraid of people and embrace them at the same time. I have these American views that makes me see the average Jamaican with this weird double vision. My Jamaican heritage is comfortable and is really excited to be here but my American views are afraid. It is crazy making, this duality of vision and feelings.


I think I will take a break

More to come

Rant about Race and Online Gaming

So this is where I am furious about the unintentional and intentional racism in this society. I play a video game called World of Warcraft. It is a online community mostly made up of men say between the ages of 16 to 35. The game is a rich an immersive experience that blends well gameplay with visuals and content that moves the game forward.

This is where I start to get a little angry, I have played and did not hear a lot of stuff, everyone seemed pretty polite and there was a sense of comraderie. I then joined a 'guild' (a loose association of players) called Serpentis Infernalis. I started to hear a fair amount of homophobic, sexist and racist material. The final straw came for me yesterday when one member started talking about 'wiggers'.

Now I am pretty tolerant but this person was adamant that what he was saying wasn't offensive and I was being pissy. I lost it as I realized this was probably a kid who had no sense of history and wasn't listening to me as well as other people telling him to cut it out. He was threatened by the leader of the guild with expulsion.

Most white people are uncomfortable with talking about racism with People of color especially african heritage people. I have had lots of white friends talk to me about how thay are not racist and the like. The truth of the matter is they are. Racism is not something they chose but it has affected the way they see the world and what they expect of people. I was trying to explain to this person that the term 'wigger' is from 'white nigger' as a way of describing a white person who is acting black. I have heard also 'sand nigger' for people of middle eastern descent, 'prairie nigger' for Native americans and so on. The common thread is 'nigger' and the fact it is being used to describe african heritage people and people considered close to them.

To me the fact that I can discuss this relatively calmy is a sign of how much work I have done around how racism has affected me. I certainly admit that there are times when I lose my calm but on the whole this situation and and others has proven to me that it is us as african heritage people to heal the hurts of racism.


More to come

Whew Good to be back

I have had a hiatus for a week or so and am eager to get back to writing. The first thing I want to say is that I am heading back to Jamaica after 2 years and am eager to see my family, and soak in the life. Jamaica has always had a mystical appeal as that is the place where life seemed best.

I was young when we left and had not had the struggles a young adult teen has so it seemed very powerful and wonderful place to be. When I go back though as much as I am enamored I see the major class struggles, the children in shanty towns with half ripped t shirts. Then i see the people with new cars and SUV's and cell phones and everything that is the trappings of US admiring society. It is still not clear what I think but I will definitely enjoy


More to come